i slept like a monster yesterday.
like for 10 whole hours lah!
i wanted to do soooo many things, i even laid them out on the living room table.
but i slept right after watching Drake & Josh.
i din even call booboo ):
oh, at 4am today, the school's main water pipe burst.
no tap water.
no water cooler.
i think our school is really dieing.
there's like 1903742836 power failure for the past week.
now no water.
did line dancing for PE again.
really stupid lah.
but ok. abit fun.
today's really slack.
only 12 ppl came.
hahaha. the rest went MIA.
oooooooooh went town with hidayah & fad.
saw many deyians - after-school kicks.
nyahaa..
din buy anything cos the pumps werent as pretty as the ones i wanted.
the pretty ones cost a bomb.
me & fad were like picking up, flipping it over to look at the price & put it back.
introduced hidayah to cahaya.
met arif.
that monkey.
all inter-linked!! hee.. small world.
& i got lured by this ultra adorable toddler.
he was like holding my fingers & shaking them like a rattle. so cute!!
& he has only 2 teeth!!
-melts-
been like 2846192481 donkey years since ive stepped town.
went back to school to fetch isk & was in the SC room when saddad had his routine spasms.
with polyphonic ringtones.
HAHAHA.
you should see joanne's hp.
tsk.
now i know why the school[as in literal physical body] is upset.
throwing tantrums.

& we made mdm secrets cry today.
"if you all act like this, then tmr is nothing for us(teachers). its not just one day of celebration to make us happy. but it should be everyday"
i seriously think what she said is true lah.
i mean, we cant just expect to buy gifts & flowers just for one day.
be nice & sweet to the teachers for that day.
& on any other days, we're like devils.
if i were her, i wld be hurt too.
like my students treat me like that, i'll never able to take it.
she's a nice teacher.
very patient & understanding.
& this is not how we should treat nice teachers lah.
like make use of her generousity to our advantage.
so, think people.

i feel soooooo drained.
oh dear.
havent been bloggin much & i just told booboo that i wanna "break record"
hah. break what record shit.
im feeling soooooo down.
i really really miss you lahh.
had my exams today.
was oklah. managed to memorise the stuffs needed.
went home & slept.
thn mugged.
im feeling that pang of guilt but i dont knw why im feeling guilty.
maybe from that hour long reflection session i had in the morning.
hmm maybe.
& ive been having weird dreams & nightmares too.
scary right booboo?

just had some time pampering myself.
the checkup din go as well.
cos the gynae refuse to get me off the medication.
& plus, she told me that im still anaemic.
cos they took my blood again, & said im pale (really meh? kanthan will definitely disagree)
& results said, my blood level is dropping again.
so im on iron again.
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooookay.
& more pain killers.
-groans...

talked to mom.
abit.
ate lunch with her.
shared a plate of chicken rice cos i wasnt really hungry.
& we went to see babies!
she suddenly took all the pamphlets & became so interested.
oh no!
dont tell me, my mom is gonna have another baby soon!!!
*cross fingers
hope not.

i decided to reach out to them in a more conventional way; letters.





& so i heard power98 dropping by our skl on wed.

ive been driven up the walls.
it's just too much for me to take.
please.
im human too.
you dont hafta probe around my life as if yours stinks too much for you to put your sticky nose innit.
thanks lah ok.
i dont need your help really.
its just making me sick thinking about what you're doing to me now.
so all along, these are my self-proclaimed freedom?
so im still stuck between the era of diaper changing & potty training & spoon-feeding?
to you i havent grow up?
im still a baby?
is that it?
is that what you wanna hear from me?
that im not mature enough to think on my own & live my own life?
oh, no... you wanna hear that i DONT have a life in the first place.
because you're Mr & Mrs Controller.
there's just no place for me in this house.
yeah, i hear you saying im a nuisance.
why dont you ask yourself how you've been treating me all these while?
ive been going in & out of rooms trying to find a conducive place to study.
even the "STUDY ROOM" isnt made for studying.
what's with the blasting stereo?!
i knw you're trying to show to your mother that you're a good son, trying to impress her that all you listen to is nasyids & whatever agama stuffs. but you dont hafta blast it right. talking about self-degrading.
& when i go out to study, what do you do? scold me for not staying home to do the chores.
if i turn in early after a long day, what do you do? scold me for being lazy.
if i keep awake in the morning to study, when you';re asleep & everyone else is asleep, when there's silence for once, what do you do, you scold me for wasting electricity.
so what am i suppose to do?!
i already stop going for floorball, thanks to you.
im not a kid anymore dad.
im 18 this year.
you dont even trust me with big amounts of money.
im 18 this year dad. 18.
why cant you grow up instead.
you're 46years old.
& you act like you dont wanna lose your marbles or sth.
im a big girl now.
im no longer daddy's girl.
i dont go around the bowling alley sticking to your armpit and holding your hand if i wanna get to the loo.
& i play bowling like normal teenagers. i dont need that slide for me to put the bowling ball on top to roll it down.
im all grown up dad.
can you just accept the fact that i just need securities not insecurities from both of you.
but taking me handphone away is not gonna help.
trust me.
i can just go out till late and not call home. why? cos you took my handphone.
curfews wont work cos of my hectic schedules.
i cannot be home promptly for dinner anymore.
this is way after the secondary 4 era dad.
im in pre-u 2 now.
i just need that bit of freedom to do what is right for me.
not for you.
not for mom.
cos mom will never understand what im going thru.
neither do you.
you're always busy flying in & out of US & leaving the family behind & always going for parties after parties and neglecting us, let alone me, your "girl".
& now you're saying that i still havent grow up.
im still not mature yet.
all these while when you're overseas, ive grown dad.
sigh, i dont know how to put it up to you.
to make you understand.
beating me & inflicting pain on me is not gonna work.
it just makes you a crazy & heartless man.
it's not gonna work.
i still hate you.
& you're making me hate you even more.
you're not making me feel any better.
where's all the emotional support you promised me?
where's the "i promise to be more understanding" part?
you just care about yourself & noone else.
what's with the i have 4 children to support shit.
other people have 12 children even & they still live happily.
where's the happiness in ours?
ever since we moved out, we've broken into individuals.
no more family.
ever since your mother lived with us, she's been breaking us apart.
with your ego higher than the tallest mountain on earth, you wanna show that you're a good father.
does beating your daughter makes you a better father than the rest?
then sending your battered daughter to the consellor about her attitude helps too?
then why is she still feeling so empty & lonely at home despite what the counsellor told her to do?
& even after telling you, talking to you, what did you say? "i din spend thousands for you to tell lies"
is that how you treat your daughter that you once named "daddy's girl"?
maybe you're just stressed with work.
maybe im stressed with school too.
that's why we cant click recently.
ever since we moved out.
but why are you doing this to me only?
why is my other sisters spared from the misery?
i cannot stand it anymore dad.
my patience is running out.
you've hurt me once too many.

oooops. sorry isk. i did SOMETHING with fad in the library ytd. i just cant resist!

this is for hidayah (: got 30% off leh.

rose's girls :) happy birthday babe!

earcandy: when it all falls apart - the veronicas

the song is practically stuck in my head.
ok nvm.
had fun today. turned out great rather unexpectedly. besides feeling soooooo shitty yesterday. & still woke up grumpy this morning. sigh, dont wanna talk abt it lah. happy thoughts, happy thoughts.
well, went sentosa to just chill out with isk today.
we decided to dump our tutorials & muggings aside for a day.
yey!
swam, played & we cycled around sentosa. just talking a breather away from studies lah..
& a start off for the 21click challenge.
& i steered the tandem bike for the first time.
omg.
eh, actually not first time. i steered with my small sis before but i think this bike is really horrible to me lah. i was screaming like a mad girl & like, im 1m for a tree & im already screaming.
sorry baby, if i made you pee in your pants or sth hahahaa..
but fun lah..
we cycled in wet clothes & came back still wet with sweat this time.
hahaa healthy!

_________________________________
im suppose to memorise like tonnes for tmr's exam & i still havent start on it! how?!
i cant just memorise arabic within a night.
& i finally came home smelling durians.
ive been craving for it since i dont know when.
thn isk told me not to listen to raudah's jokes. it took me quite long to figure out what he meant by that. lol. i nearly choke on the huge seed remembering her stupid jokes.

oh, happy 18th!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY RADIN TRI ISKANDAR!
love you much.
sorry your day din turn out as well as expected.
my fault.

& you girls, thanks. i enjoyed laughing at everything we did.
so fun.
we should go out for girl outings often.

went to the 16th floor ytd night to catch the last day of the fireworks fest.
impressive man. i dont hafta travel all the way to esplanade to squeeze in between smelly crowds & climb all the way to the rooftop just to catch the breath-taking view.
i cld see the whole town from where i stood last night. the view was yes, spectacular.
watched it with my other two darling sisters.
havent upload the pictures tho. comp damn laggy.
i miss my laptop.
i heard my dad listening to my songs in it again this morning.
& this time, it was hilary duff's & MCR & also yellowcard.
hahahaa.
i wanted to upload the video of the 11th aug's fireworks but the file was too huge.
that day's DAMN NICE I TELL YOUUUU.
so all, i caught 3 days worth of fireworks.
implicitly & explicitly.
haha yey.
fireworks fireworks fireworks.
been very busy lately. with i-dont-know-what.

omg.
parents are monsters!!!

1. i woke up abruptly after eavesdropping in my sleep cos i heard sth very wrong & disappointing. (see, ive got a hidden talent of eavesdropping without opening my eyes. impressive huh?)
2. i thought dad's fixing my laptop but no....he's ripping all my songs. it's funny but i dont knw why i was feeling so pissed when i found out.
3. mom cleared my table. ok. i hate that. i dont like people probbing their nose around my stuffs. & my diary is open.
4. mom thought im still with jack?!
5. she asked "then what about iskandar?"
6. dad insist on giving me guitar lessons.
7. cos he dont like me dancing around the house.

PARENTS!
ok, that's half as bad lah. especially the guitar lesson part. but what's wrong with me dancing around the house? must be that im soooo bad that im sucha an eyesore to him! lol. ok fine, i'll stop dancing ok. atleast not around the house. i'll do it in the privacy of my room. but mom's sucha nose.

but im still unhappy that i cant go out with darls today to catch the fireworks. cos celebrating dad's earliated bday tonight. dinnering at i dont know where.

so what. i actually wont hurt anyone by venting my frustrations out here?
like this?
ASDFGHJKLPOIUMNVMDIHRWURHWE$%!#^%&$!@#!$^@$
yeah.
& supress all my emotions.
like that?
& try not to show that im moody.
like, "HOORAY! IM FEELING THE MOOD TO SLAP PEOPLE & CURSE ANYONE WHO STEPS ON MY TAIL! WHOPEEE!"

julie's GP topic for the day:
modern technology has brought many advances to medicine & has helped many. discuss.
i shant, for this matter, lift a finger to discuss about this shit called medicine.
it helped, no doubt it helped, but also brought about many unforseen side effects.
like this.
asdhasjfucktardsjlkasjdqwiueq;
urgh.
i hope you're not feeling hurt arent you.
cos if you are, thn your advice or whatsoever is apparently not working.
for now that is.
im trying to be rational.
& i think that bit about you saying that the more i know this medicine is making me feel this way, the more conscious i am about it. something like that.
its getting on me.
the first few doses was alright. i din see it coming.
cos it dont happen to all taking it.
talking about pregnant bloated women.
well im not pregnant & so it affected me.
the part about swelled nipples & all that shit.
only happens to preggies.
not virginites.
urgh. forget it.
im getting sick of thinking about how sick i actually am.
you know how it feels like eating that same pill for the rest of your life?
& that all the damn doctors say is that your life depend on that pill.
cos if not, your life is screwed.
you know how monotonous it is for a routine check up every few months with people probbing around you, poking needles & sucking your blood & remininding you how sick you are & how you should do this, do that, listen to this, listen to that, go here, go there to learn to accept the fact that im never gonna get well.
i just want you to understand.
you're getting there dear.
you're almost there.
but i just hope you can really be in my shoes.
but you cant.
cos ure not taking the pill.
the most i can do to make you understand is by talking to you.
you've been very patient.
with my constant outburst & all.
i really really appreciate that.
my family members dont care.
cos they think im crazy screaming & crying like that.
but you're different.
you made me feel so loved & warm & realise that you're here by me.
always.
like you promised.
i love you.
you..... you are a great guy.
still are, will always be.
for sure.
i feel much better now.
only that i feel like a psychopath typing feverently.
thanks darling.

love,
julie.

kj;auakjrewjrkshaer73n4vjfhkahsa!!!!
yey!!!
the mugging bug finally caught me;
i'll be on hiatus for just a bit.
till promos?
prolly.
but you know me, i know you.
julie cannot stand away from the computer for long.
i'll use this as a bridge over my weakness.
heeee.
whatever!
im going off then.
taraas (:

ok. before i rant on, i wanna announce my newly found friend!
his name is Zuliki Gunawan (i think that's how he spell it).
he's 5 years old & chubby & i met him at CP Banquet.
you guys should see how he smiles. damn captivating =)
& he eats chicken rice w/o chicken!
ooh oooohhh & we met fildaus ytd!
he asked what happened to my hair & he claimed that i was BURNT!
hmmfff..

ok back to the eighteightsix event.
national day celebs.
our class was the first performer & yeah.
the rest of the performance is ALRIGHT.
not as shiok as last years.
but the singing session was OKAY too.
mr raj called our class to come on stage
& they made it look like a mini moshpit.
banging to patriotic songs.
lol.
the guys were HIGH i tell ya.
they hangkot siraj, my bf, najib, mr az, mr raj, mr singh, & even the principal!
wahahaa.. so fun.
i expected alot of photos to be taken but i wasnt in the mood.
like this year seemed a lil dead.
why arhh?

anws, aft celebrations, went over to tiong bahru & thn to ECP to "study"
i completed my maths but baby was sleeping.
that lazy boy..
saw many eyesores.
sr ppl hogging the place.

the big friendly tree i made friends with (:
im a TRI ( READ: Radin TREE Iskandar) lover.
spent the night at esplanade watching fireworks. the place was jam packed! isk was lost. we got a sucky place to watch the fireworks & my neck got cramps while trying to see the whole firework.
but its really nice!
went out to eat dinner with sis & he JAMAICAN-BEER-SELLER boyfriend.
& when her bf meets my bf everytime, all they talk about is: NS=army=boring topic for girls.
yawns.
the place is really full.
we only reached home after midnight.
& the thing ended like 915 only.
i'll post up firework pix later.
im shlleeepy...

saturday:
went shopping for presents.
studied at the airport.
bought didi a soccer jersey.
bought sth for dad at IKEA.
sunday:
trimmed my hair.
sunday school exam practical.
went ptp mac to study with baby.
stocked up on Henna's food & shampoo.
solat tasbih.
monday:
i wonder why i can wake up at 3 to eat & then fall back to sleep but not wake up solely to study?
weird shit.
i havent decided on what to wear for tmr.
i'll just add onto this entry as we go on this week.

random VERY OLD photo. i drank lactogen! ok dont laugh at the lack of hair alright. im on the left btw. the right one's big sis. my hair reminded me of LAM! haahaa.. miss that guy.

{*events logged not in chronological order.}

ive never been so angry that i cried.
& the last person i'd be angry with was agnes.
sorry girl, it was a misunderstanding.
i just dont like people ordering my boyfriend around like he's ur maid.
so yeah, ure alr using our locker, so at least have your decency to take ur stuffs urself rather than waiting for him to fetch everything for you & deliver it to your face.
he has only 2 hands.
hope you understand.
im really sorry i was so urgh [insert active word here]..
______________________________
i dont know how i hurt my back but it hurts.
ok, i dont know if my singing sucks or was it really draggy or sth along the line,
but i actually sang booboo to sleep. LOL.

im feeling so demoralized & unmotivated to study.

IM SIGNING UP FOR THE 21CLICK STANDARD CHARTERED MARATHON 2006!

guffaws.
eh, not funny lah actually.
i had a good thought about it okay.
i think 10click is fun but 21km will be a lil more challenging for me.
lalalalaaaa...
for once, im feeling excited for running long-d.
it was a hurdle once for me but now....
lalalalaaa...
maybe its because of the incentives.
rubs hands greedily
like LIMITED EDITION MILLENNIA DRY-FIT PE ATTIRE with the work MARATHON spread across the chest.
count me in man.
skips around room
plus all the goodies!
stuff me with free items, coupons, whatever!!
HAH. call me a typical singaporean, i dont give a fart.
but actually the main incentive for me is that the school will be sponsoring 400 odd of us for the marathon & i wanna do my part for the school to make them be the first school to get that title.
$40 x 400 = $16000
sponsorship = many many $$

let's all snap back to reality.
went NLB to study
met many couples along the way (READ: Rosmainy & Fadhil)
hehehehhh..
nolah, if ure thinking theyre a couple, i'll fart on you!
back to the couples, there's this yr1 ppl & fad & syaza.
i manage to clear my notes & did some reading.
which is a progress, im happy.
now i regret not doing this earlier (like waaaaaay back then in PU1)
come to think of it, this period of time slips into oblivion & things just happen
without you knowing it or even expect it to happen.

i had egg tart & DOUBLE WHOPPER today (:
im a happy girl.
ahaa randomness.
i love double whoppers cos its huge!
bigger than my palm!
huuuuuge!
lalalalalaaaa!!!!

slept at thinking cove today.
made me reminisce the PAE days when me, ed, aidah, weizhi & isk wld just laze ard there like for the whole day.
skip lectures, mother tongue & we'll just spilt weizhi's iPOD so that everyone can listen to it.
everyone loves each other.
everyone was so close.
so close.
i miss wfac.
the original wfac.
my original triplets.
my wife, my scandal, my kitty, my xiaodi, my wfac.
whatever happened to all of you?

& from where i slept, i gaze up.
& two names shot out from the list of vandalisms there.
its funny how coincidence work.
& we mixed up our exes junnow.
so funny!
hahaha oh nevermind.
i love you darling.
i fart on you oke?

oh dear.
running out of time, like really RUNNING!
there's so many things im suppose to do..
& im feeling so sick all of a sudden.
that rush of blood to the head.
that unfamiliar feeling when i click SUBMIT nearly 24hours ago.
that nightmare.
that fear.
that voice in my head urging me to get out asap.
did i do the right thing?
omg, why feeling the regret now?
im feeling dead.
dysfunctional.
demoralized.
unmotivated.
& reluctant to move on.
ikan bilis sucks btw.
hohohhh random bites.

2 more days to Didi's birthday!
ps thanks for ur cookies girl, it was delish!